The maid of honor just puked.
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
