If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He felt like a one man threesome
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize