I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
