It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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