he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
