On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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