It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize