So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
