My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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