can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
