I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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