you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
