Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize
