I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
