also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
