Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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