I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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