Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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