Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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