the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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