my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
