Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
