if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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