someone threw a dead crab at me
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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