No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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