remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
