Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
