Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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