His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
