Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I need water and some morals
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
