In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
