i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
