My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
