Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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