you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
