hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
