He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I don't deserve a penis
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
