Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
