My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
