Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
