The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
