moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
