I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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