he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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