I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He shit in the fireplace
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