my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
