if i can run in heels then i can drive
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Everyone says I win the strip club
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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