Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The air was thick with penises
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
