Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
