My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
