K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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