I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
