Your mouth is God's brothel.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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