Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
