I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
