I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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