she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
