It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
