Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
