also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize